theagingofanorexia

Sydne Introduces IT: Part 2

In the previous post,Read here! Sydne reveals that she was sexually abused as a child over a period of several years and by more than one person. She talks about ‘It’ as if he or she were a real person. I could never get a good explanation of It from Sydne other than It was the thing that controlled her when she became enveloped with her eating disorder, limiting her calories or exercising for hours, or putting in 18-hour work days without eating.

Under the caption, Interpersonal Factors that can Contribute to Eating Disorders, the National Eating Disorder Association (www.NationalEatingDisorders.org)   lists.

• Troubled family and personal relationships
• Difficulty expressing emotions and feelings
• History of being teased or ridiculed based on size or weight
• History of physical or sexual abuse.

Sydne writes:

Most people would say, "Well, just get over it or why did you even decide now to deal with it or talk about it?"

Well, my answer to them at first was kiss my ass and I don’t owe you an answer, but I really never said that (but I would today). My answer was I am 36 (at the time) and when this was all happening I couldn’t deal with it. I was 5 and 9. What the hell did a child back then understand about molesters and mothers who abandoned their children. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

As I was sitting there in tears and shaking like it was below zero, I turned my head and looked and guess who I saw? Yes, that’s right. IT was sitting there as bright and happy as can be! From this day on IT would tell me that it was not like all the other people that let me down or like the people who had hurt and lied to me.

IT would say "I will always be here for you. I will protect you. I will not let anyone ever hurt you again. You can trust me!"

So anyway back to why now would I choose to open my can of worms? Well, first of all I have a daughter and watching her grow up and watching her at those ages scared the hell out of me! All those ugly memories seemed to come flooding back to me. The fact it happened to me was bad enough but the fact that it could have happened to my daughter was making me sick inside."

The National Eating Disorders Association also lists "Psychological Factors that can Contribute to Eating Disorders". They are:

• Low self-esteem
• Feelings of inadequacy or lack of control in life
• Depression, anxiety, anger, or loneliness.

Sydne seems to fit every description.

Regards,

Ruthan Brodsky

The Introduction of IT - Sydne's Story Chapt 5

The previous four posts were excerpted from Sydne’s journal. This one is no exception. In this post we are introduced to IT. That's not quite correct; we aren’t introduced to IT but  IT has an active role in her journal remarks.

I don’t even know if IT is a he. I do know that IT played a very important role in Sydne’s life for the past 10, 15 years. The best that I can explain who IT was or rather is would be to say IT is a byproduct of Sydne’s lack of a solid self image. Mind you, I’m not a psychologist or counselor but I believe my explanation is very close to the truth.

Well, here I go. This is when I started to notice that something was changing inside of me. It was a feeling of ‘Oh, what the hell! Who really cares? No one will ever notice. Just open the can of worms so I (meaning the monster who had lurked inside me since the day I was born) can come out to play.

During this time I was in Hawaii with my husband and my daughter who was 10 back then. I had decided to jump out of a plane over the ocean at 14,000 feet. It was just the thing I didn’t need at the time. By jumping I had let go of any control I had of me and gave it to ‘IT’, the one who would control me for the next 7 months.

A few days after my trip I went to see my therapist, D. I had been working with her off and on for 7 years. I mostly saw her to help me make decisions about my career and deal with the death of my biological mother who died of cancer. While I was there I remember telling her I have a dark hidden secret that absolutely no one knows. I had let the worms out of the can. I told her I had been molested when I was five by a female relative and it had lasted two years. It happened again when I was nine. Someone else started to molest me until I was fourteen. But wait! That wasn’t the end of it. I was also left or the correct word would be I was abandoned by my mother shortly after I was born.

According to Craig Johnson, Ph.D, at Laureate Psychiatric Clinic and Hospital, Tulsa, OK (Laureate)between one-third and two-thirds of patients who go to treatment centers for eating disorders have histories of sexual or physical abuse. Out of these there is a subgroup of patients whose eating disorder symptoms are a direct consequence of an attempt to cope with their sexual abuse. For instance, these women may try to consciously or unconsciously avoid further sexual attention by losing enough weight to lose their secondary sexual characteristics such as breasts.

I have no idea if this explanation applies to Sydne but it could fit.

More from this journal entry in my next post.

Regards and my warmest wishes for a healthy lifestyle.

Ruthan

www.theagingofanorexia.com     www.upsideofaging.com

www.balanceyourhealth.com

Anorexia - One Woman's Story: Chapter 2

This is Sydne’s story – actually her journey – of confronting anorexia nervosa and learning to live with her battles.

At lunch this summer, Sydne told me a little more about her childhood.

"I had very bad eating habits when I was a little girl," said Sydne. "I would make a pouch out of one of my cheeks and save my food. I’d squirrel it away, not chew it, and then spit it out. And there weren’t many foods that I would eat in the first place."

" I wasn’t very big. When I was 8 or 9 years old I wore a size 7 clothes. When I was 11 or 12 I was on a swim team and my body was shaped like a pear. I was upset and I started to lose weight when I entered high school. Everyone commented that I looked great so I just kept losing more weight. I think that was the beginning because I still saw myself as someone with a big belly."

A few months before that one-on-one conversation Sydne had e-mailed me this note. This will tell you how I added another chapter to Sydne’s world. Most of the words are a direct quote from Sydne. I’ve changed a few to make sure everyone and everything is anonymous. Sometimes, I’ve also changed the sentence structure and grammar to make sure her thoughts flow well. I know that if I do something wrong, Sydne will let me know and I’ll correct it for you.

April, 2007

Hi Ruthan

Well, I’m home after 8 weeks but not by choice. Our insurance company had decided they didn’t want to continue paying for my treatment at the Clinic because I was not suicidal and none of my organs were failing. Everything else indicated that I needed to be at the Clinic and they gave me enough information so that I could fight the insurance company which I will do. On Monday I start as an out-patient at the Clinic.

The Director of the Clinic, my therapist and many staff members said that if anyone had to leave 10 weeks before she was ready, they were glad it was me. ‘You are very strong and determine to fight and recover and you will. They also told me to use my voice to fight the insurance companies and to make them aware of how long and hard it is to recover from an eating disorder.

I guess I have found my mission. I want the world to know how hard it is to recover and how long it takes and that this is truly a disease. I am just like an alcoholic or drug addict. In fact, the recovery process is longer for an eating disorder person.

Ruthan, I need your help if possible and if you are willing. Because you are a writer can you help me use my voice? I want to tell my story. I want to tell about my awesome experience at the Clinic, talk about the incredible staff, and talk about the many different women I met. I want people to know how I formed many lasting friendships with each person at the Clinic whether they were patients or a staff member.

I would never have changed that experience for anything! I’m so sorry I could not finish my 18 week stay. One could only imagine what I could have learned. But that chapter of my journey is over and a new one will begin. I am so grateful for that and so excited to see what will lie ahead for me now.

I know this may scare you but I think this is one of the reasons I told you in the first place about my struggle with anorexia because I would have a story to tell and you can help tell it.

I hope I don’t scare you too much.

Sydne

My sister died about 8 months after Sydne wrote this e-mail. Isn’t it strange how things work out sometimes. In the next post Sydne reveals a little more about herself.

Regards,

Ruthan

www.theagingofanorexia.com   

www.upsideofaging.com    www.balanceyourhealth.com

Anorexia - One Woman's Story

Many of you know that I’ve been a freelance writer with a niche in health articles for the past 25 years. Some of you also know that I started this blog shortly after my older sister died this past winter. You can read a post I wrote back then that explains this in more detail at This Link. Here's another link for more of my story: Click here.

What you don’t know is that I am friends with a wonderful woman, age 36, who was diagnosed as anorexic a few years ago, enrolled herself in a facility for treating eating disorders for 3-4 months, and is now back among the real world still fighting her battles with the eating disorder and getting help and support.

My friend’s name is Sydne (pronounced Sidney). That’s not her real name, of course, but that’s the name she wanted me to use. None of the people I write about will be addressed by their real name unless I have their permission.

The next 7 or more posts will be Sydne’s story. I have Sydne’s permission to tell her story using her words along with mine. I will probably post them more frequently than my once a week posts so watch for them.

I first met Sydne when she was 15 years old, a teen working at a summer part time job helping a woman’s locker room attendant at a local golf club. I had no recall about our chats except when Sydne telephone me 16 years later as a young woman in her early 30s and reminded me about some of those conversations.

When Sydne called she was living on the West Coast with husband and child and enjoyed a very responsible position as a regional manager of a large retail store chain. When she first called I was incredulous. She told me how much those conversations had meant to her when she was 15 and 16 and that I empowered her to change the direction of her life.

I had no clue – absolutely none – back then or in the present. Reflecting on my reaction to that first call, I found this underlying feeling of being somewhat responsible for this woman. It was like if you save a life, that life is yours!

My feeling wasn’t nearly that strong, but it was there – an obligation if you will.

That was okay because I liked Sydne and enjoyed our conversations.

For the next few years, we chatted on the phone 4 or 5 times a year and when Sydne visited her family in Michigan, we met for lunch.

Three years ago, Sydne told me she was anorexic. We were having lunch. She was dressed in clothes that hid her extreme thinness. She rolled up her sweater sleeve and showed me her skinny arm. She almost knew where she was with this disease and almost knew where she wanted to go, enough so that she knew she needed help.

She asked me if I were surprised at her announcement. Frankly, I don’t remember how I responded. All I knew was that whatever I said must be supportive because if this young woman had the guts to confront her disease, I would be there for her.

More history about Sydne in the next post.

Fond regards,

Ruthan

I welcome you comments and stories.

My First Experience with Anorexia Was My Own

My first experience with anorexia was my own but I had no idea there was even a word for the condition. I was a college freshman.

I limited myself to 900 calories daily – not horrible, but enough that I stopped menstruating for 2 years. I was 17 at the time struggling through a romance that started in high school but wasn’t working when we separated for colleges. I don’t remember when I started controlling what I ate. I think it wasn’t until I actually got to college because I heard that dorm food was loaded with starch. I remember listing my calories in a small notebook.

I was thin. Nothing fit. I went to a tween size 12 or something like that.

My mind must have been a mess but who knew? My body was protecting me from things I’m not even sure about to this day.

My sophomore year I transferred to a local university and lived at home. I was on full tuition academic scholarship. I stopped county calories. I gained some weight, became active in a sorority, held a couple of part-time jobs and dated.

New chapter. Met my future husband, attended the Sorbonne on a US Grant, became engaged and started menstruating one month later.

I later learned that my experience was rather typical for college freshman – some gain weight and a minority respond as I did. I do recall visiting my father’s physician who told me I shouldn’t worry. What was happening to me wasn’t uncommon and I would grow out of it.

Knowing what I now know about anorexia, I consider myself very fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who did grow out of it. Somehow, I matured and adjusted to myself as an adult woman. I really have no clue how; there was no parental recognition or support, but here I am today trying to lose 5 pounds like 20 million other women my age.

To be honest, I don’t know where this blog is going to take me. I do know I have a need to know more about anorexia and a desire to help women and their families recognize and better deal with the issue. The incentive, of course, is my older sister’s death this past November. She weighed 76 pounds.

I am sure most of you are saying that this posting is helping me deal with the death – the grief. You may well be correct. But it’s a lot more. I suspect it has to do with getting older… but I’m not sure.

I’d be so interested in learning about your experience with anorexia – personal or with someone in the family. I know it changed my life as a young woman. What about you. Scroll down to ‘comments’ and let us know your story.

My plan is to post at least once a week in this blog, maybe twice, so do subscribe.

Cheers

Ruthan