theagingofanorexia

Sydne Continues to Explain IT Chapter 8

Scientists are still researching whether there are biochemical or biological causes of eating disorders in addition to all the other social and psychological factors. They have found in some individuals that certain chemicals in the brain that control hunger, appetite, and digestion were imbalanced but they don’t know why or what the implications of those imbalances could be.

What we all know is that eating disorders are complex conditions that take place because of many possible causes. Once started, however, they usually "create a self-perpetuating cycle of physical and emotional destruction" (ANRED).

Over time IT started to make food trades with me. I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted that day, but the next two days I owed it whatever IT wanted.

Usually I would not eat for two days and spend two hours straight on the treadmill running at 6.2 mph at a 6% incline. When I finished, I would drink a glass of water or try to have some crackers. If IT was right there to tell me I don’t deserve to eat, that I was still too fat, and I broke our deal, I started taking laxatives. IT would tell me to take five at a time. Even though I knew what the damage would be, I did it anyway.

In case you are wondering about the damage, let me tell you. Laxatives remove the water from your colon to make you dehydrated which will cause you to faint. Laxatives also cause irritations in the intestinal nerve endings which would cause the muscles not to contract which cause nerve damage. Along with that it strips the mucus that lines the colon leaving you open for infections. So before you decide to take a laxative, maybe you should think about what you are doing to your body.

Anyway, this was my life for a while with IT. As the months went on, the more powerful IT became. The more IT lurked around me, the more IT was able to take from my mind, my body and my soul. Each day was like a game. Let’s see what I can take from Sydne today. IT was very manipulative and played on every emotion I had which would lead me to not have any emotions, thoughts or feelings of any kind.

I talk a lot about IT through my journey. I can say that now I have learned to ignore IT and the more people, like my family and friends know about IT, and the more I talk about IT, the further away IT goes. IT has lost the power over me but I know deep in my heart I still must keep fighting back.

It’s still a constant battle for Sydne. Her life is changing since she’s come to terms with her disease. Right now she and her husband are separated and she is very comfortable about that.

A few more chapters to Sydne’s story. I hope they are giving you some kind of picture of the suffering that someone goes through who has an eating disorder.

Take care,

Ruthan Brodsky

PS I welcome your comments.  Love to hear your stories.

Sydne Explains IT Chapter 7

When Sydne and I spoke over the phone, even though I had heard her talk about IT dozens of time, I never had a clear understanding about her monster, the monster that fed her eating disorder. I didn’t understand it as a layperson and I’m not a professional psychologist. I was told by one psychologist that IT could be a second personality for Sydne. "D" is one of Sydne’s therapists.

The following script is Sydne’s attempt to describe IT for me and for readers.

Before I go any further I think I need to take this time and explain to you who this IT character really is. IT, in a way, is like having a seond personality around but I never really noticed IT until I started to become more and more anorexic.

The best way to explain would be to imagine having a feeling like someone or something was watching you. Or it may be like hearing someone whisper your name very softly and turning to look but no one was there.

That’s my IT. I feel IT has been around since the day I was born. IT watched my mother throw me away like I was a piece of trash. IT watched as I was being molested and used by those two people like I was trash and throw me away when they were done. IT sat and watched the light from my soul turn dark. IT could see the child I once was get lost in the world as my inner child’s heart and soul were ripped away from the woman I would later become.

I remember the day I told about my past and IT was right there to tell me now that I told, "D" would think I was dirty and a piece of trash like everyone else, but hey don’t worry because I will take care of you and protect you.

IT was a very powerful voice living in my mind, actually controlling every though and action I did. The sad part was I believed and did everything. IT would tell me I was fat, stupid, ugly and a disgrace to my family. IT would tell me to restrict food and to exercise 7 days a week for 4 hours and I would do that. IT even had me believing that my family thought I was a fat, useless pig and they didn’t want me around anymore.

More on IT in our next post.

To your success for a healthy lifestyle,

Ruthan Brodsky

Sydne Opens Her Journal - Chapter 6

No introduction is need from me. Ruthan

I would like to share some of my journal entries. These are my deepest thoughts about how I felt at the time. For the most part, the only time I was able to journal was in the middle of the night. I would write around 1-3 am because that was when IT wasn’t around. I don’t know…maybe monsters need to sleep. My monster never allowed me to sleep more than 3 hours a day.

Here is my first journal entry.

When people see me they often see an attractive woman who seems to have it all. It would appear as if I have a better life than most. My adult relationships are based precariously on an image of myself that is unsupported by my inner world. Inside I am wracked with anxiety because my outer world is so difficult than my inner world. At times I would much rather isolate myself and continue to have anxiety and grief become my companions.

It terrifies me to think someone may see my inner world, yet I yearn for your genuine understanding. I know my foundation for life is flimsy. I also know how good I am at creating a correct and lovely appearance that few people could appreciate just how flimsy my foundation is.

I am trapped in my mind because I need desperately for you to think well of me and for others to think well of me. I strive valiantly to maintain a specific look and image. I cannot acknowledge my tormented inner world. If I do than everyone wins and I cannot allow anyone to see me fail or fall.

Lately it seems as if the monster has become my best friend and the only option worth taking. As my stress in life continues to grow so does the monster. It is becoming more and more powerful each day.

I have made promises to my family. I have made huge commitments at work and a lot of people are counting on me for direction that drives our store. I mean, after all, I am a pro at how to look good and know how to control what people perceive in me. At least for a while longer.

It would be so easy for me to curl up in bed and stay there for a while and let the monster win. If I did not have so many people counting on me each day, and if I knew of a place to go and hide so IT could take me, I would go. I am so tired of fighting with IT but I am ready to let IT win. I want to keep writing but I need not say any more for now.

Sydne

Your comments about Sydne’s journal entry are welcomed. Scroll down to ‘Comments’ and type them in the blank window.

Ruthan Brodsky

Sydne Introduces IT: Part 2

In the previous post,Read here! Sydne reveals that she was sexually abused as a child over a period of several years and by more than one person. She talks about ‘It’ as if he or she were a real person. I could never get a good explanation of It from Sydne other than It was the thing that controlled her when she became enveloped with her eating disorder, limiting her calories or exercising for hours, or putting in 18-hour work days without eating.

Under the caption, Interpersonal Factors that can Contribute to Eating Disorders, the National Eating Disorder Association (www.NationalEatingDisorders.org)   lists.

• Troubled family and personal relationships
• Difficulty expressing emotions and feelings
• History of being teased or ridiculed based on size or weight
• History of physical or sexual abuse.

Sydne writes:

Most people would say, "Well, just get over it or why did you even decide now to deal with it or talk about it?"

Well, my answer to them at first was kiss my ass and I don’t owe you an answer, but I really never said that (but I would today). My answer was I am 36 (at the time) and when this was all happening I couldn’t deal with it. I was 5 and 9. What the hell did a child back then understand about molesters and mothers who abandoned their children. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

As I was sitting there in tears and shaking like it was below zero, I turned my head and looked and guess who I saw? Yes, that’s right. IT was sitting there as bright and happy as can be! From this day on IT would tell me that it was not like all the other people that let me down or like the people who had hurt and lied to me.

IT would say "I will always be here for you. I will protect you. I will not let anyone ever hurt you again. You can trust me!"

So anyway back to why now would I choose to open my can of worms? Well, first of all I have a daughter and watching her grow up and watching her at those ages scared the hell out of me! All those ugly memories seemed to come flooding back to me. The fact it happened to me was bad enough but the fact that it could have happened to my daughter was making me sick inside."

The National Eating Disorders Association also lists "Psychological Factors that can Contribute to Eating Disorders". They are:

• Low self-esteem
• Feelings of inadequacy or lack of control in life
• Depression, anxiety, anger, or loneliness.

Sydne seems to fit every description.

Regards,

Ruthan Brodsky

The Introduction of IT - Sydne's Story Chapt 5

The previous four posts were excerpted from Sydne’s journal. This one is no exception. In this post we are introduced to IT. That's not quite correct; we aren’t introduced to IT but  IT has an active role in her journal remarks.

I don’t even know if IT is a he. I do know that IT played a very important role in Sydne’s life for the past 10, 15 years. The best that I can explain who IT was or rather is would be to say IT is a byproduct of Sydne’s lack of a solid self image. Mind you, I’m not a psychologist or counselor but I believe my explanation is very close to the truth.

Well, here I go. This is when I started to notice that something was changing inside of me. It was a feeling of ‘Oh, what the hell! Who really cares? No one will ever notice. Just open the can of worms so I (meaning the monster who had lurked inside me since the day I was born) can come out to play.

During this time I was in Hawaii with my husband and my daughter who was 10 back then. I had decided to jump out of a plane over the ocean at 14,000 feet. It was just the thing I didn’t need at the time. By jumping I had let go of any control I had of me and gave it to ‘IT’, the one who would control me for the next 7 months.

A few days after my trip I went to see my therapist, D. I had been working with her off and on for 7 years. I mostly saw her to help me make decisions about my career and deal with the death of my biological mother who died of cancer. While I was there I remember telling her I have a dark hidden secret that absolutely no one knows. I had let the worms out of the can. I told her I had been molested when I was five by a female relative and it had lasted two years. It happened again when I was nine. Someone else started to molest me until I was fourteen. But wait! That wasn’t the end of it. I was also left or the correct word would be I was abandoned by my mother shortly after I was born.

According to Craig Johnson, Ph.D, at Laureate Psychiatric Clinic and Hospital, Tulsa, OK (Laureate)between one-third and two-thirds of patients who go to treatment centers for eating disorders have histories of sexual or physical abuse. Out of these there is a subgroup of patients whose eating disorder symptoms are a direct consequence of an attempt to cope with their sexual abuse. For instance, these women may try to consciously or unconsciously avoid further sexual attention by losing enough weight to lose their secondary sexual characteristics such as breasts.

I have no idea if this explanation applies to Sydne but it could fit.

More from this journal entry in my next post.

Regards and my warmest wishes for a healthy lifestyle.

Ruthan

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The Beginning Again - Sydne's Story

Chapter 4

My name is Sydne and I want to tell you my story. Now don’t worry, this isn’t going to be one long page. I’ll tell the story in chapters. The chapters will start with when the day I knew I had an eating disorder. Then I will take you through my journey and end with… who knows when my journey will end. Even so, I will take you a long with me so you can see all the wonderful things I have found in myself and the not so wonderful things that I discovered.

I must worn you that some of the things I will be talking about will be very descriptive with no detail left out. One of my hopes is that by sharing my story I can touch just one other person’s life then I have served my purpose.

Sydne

Just to give you a little more background, a few months after was this e-mailed to me, Sydne and I had lunch. She confided in me that she had been sexually abused by a woman when she was 5 years old. The events continued for several more years. She also told me she was abused by a male relative at the age of 9 which continued until she was 14. At the age of 16 she was raped.

This is so difficult for me to understand in my little world but what Sydne had to say about herself in other passages made so much more sense knowing this. The journey continues.

Your comments and stories are welcome. Scroll down to Comments and type in the blank window.

Fond regards

Ruthan